Time and Tears

Life is absurd. Happiness is arbitrary. Pain is inevitable. Oh, the melodrama! Dear heart, bleed for me.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Sunny California

So I've been down south for 4 days, going onto 5 now. This what my days have consisted of:
Sleep for 12 hrs
Go out for 5 hrs (combination of driving and walking)
nap for 2 hrs
go out again for 5 hrs (combination of driving and walking)
and rinse and repeat as needed.
A few hrs is also spent in front of the television and on the internet. Now, the interesting thing is that there are only 24 hrs in a day. But go figure! Somehow I fit all this in... not to mention other necessaties like eating and such. I must be extremely talented!
The shopping has been nice. The beach was the best part so far! Hollywood wasn't as cool as I expected but cool enough... despite the fact that I most defenitely did not run into Pierce Brosnan. I did run into someone I thought I knew... that should count!
Tomorrow is Disneyland! YAY! I lost Stitch... so I'm hoping he's found his way to all his other friends and so I can find him again 2morrow. Oh, I really miss my Stitch. How could I leave him behind in Miniapolis?! I'm a terrible mommy! But Stitch is smart, he'll be at Disneyland with all other Disney folk! I know it! I already found Snowball -- his Eskimo twin. And the day after is Universal Studios... better be as cool as it seems in the movies!!! better be!!!
And then it's back to TO where I shall become an icicle like everyone else! oy!
so adius till then.

Friday, December 17, 2004

It Won't Do to Stir a Deep Desire, to Fan a Hidden Fire

She sits here with the hypnotizing music playing the background. So soft, so calm. She is surrounded by those who make her laugh. They remove her worries and leave her with a calm feeling of temporary acceptance. But is this feeling fleeting? Is the concept of true and simple happiness nonexistent? Are we all doomed to life of pain and misery? And the only way out is to escape from this horrifying reality? And what be this escape? Drugs? Sex? Death?
I know not. But I know that at least two of the above 3 work indefinitely. Of course I have not yet died but that only remains to be seen I suppose.
There is only longing now. There is only dissatisfaction. I be only an insatiable child waiting and waiting until I be satisfied. But There is only disappointment. But among this disappointed is happiness which surfaces every once in a while. That precious smile that spreads across thy face child, precious. Maybe there be pure and simple happiness? Maybe. (what a useless, pointless, stupid word!!!)

Thursday, December 16, 2004


Is the martini half full or half empty? In other words, am I drunk?! Posted by Hello

System Overload!

So this is how it's going to be huh? I get it. right. right.
So apparently I owe the government $1238! Despite the fact that I don't have enough money to eat properly, I apparently make too much money and so a portion of that belongs to them!
Oh, and also, it's not enough that I pay ridiculous amounts of taxes everyday! Or that I'm a poor lowly student!
What nerve! Honostly!

-- you probably can't tell but I'm slowly going insane... again!

Oh, break, break my heart! Posted by Hello

Taste the Whip

My flesh feels the wrath of thy whip, feels the force of thy scorn. I kneel before you with my head buried in my withering hands only to conceal this never-ending stream of tears. My skin is bare, my wounds are exposed. I feel naked and frightened here at your mercy. I dare not look up lest I witness that hatred that shine deep within your eyes. I dare not look up lest I see the grimace of mockery dancing upon thy lips. I wonder what I have done to deserve this. I wonder why there is nothing left for me.

In the shadows dance my memories -- memories that be in danger of forever fading. I hear the sound of thy laughter, the warmth of your touch and the comfort of thy kiss. But only too soon is the curtain drawn upon this loving display. Only too soon does another play find its way to stage. We are both stars once more but now the background is scarlet and it’s raining crimson blood. Blood on my hands, blood on my face, blood everywhere. Thy tears blacken thy face and burn holes deeps into your skin. I scream but there is no sound. I cry but there is only blood. You disappear slowly, fading into the rain, fading into the bloody horizon, the screaming trees embrace thee and the weeping skies devour thy soul. I am naked and alone. I am speechless. I am deaf. I am senseless. You are gone and the curtain is drawn.

Cheer from the crowd. The curtain is up. There is light -- a blinding light. You appear before me and I can feel your presence but not thy essence. I hear you laugh but it be a stranger's laugh. I choke back a scream as your whip meets my fragile form. Oh what horror!

There are gasps from the crowd. I can hear some awkward shuffling. Some women let out a small scream and avert their eyes. But I can feel their stares burn a hole through me. Your whip meets my bent back with intensity and you say mockingly, "now beg for me!” I am dumb. I am incoherent -- unable to form or express thoughts or desires. I am like a wild animal caught in a trap about to be devoured by my once saviour. A saviour now turned enemy. I cannot comprehend. Oh how cruel! Oh how cruel!

And the curtain is drawn again. When it goes up once more, all is white, pure white. I am dead, placed in a coffin with my heart in my hand. I clutch as the bleeding, yet beating muscle, afraid it may fall apart before my eyes lest I let go. You stand in the distance with your head hanging low. Tears of regret, of guilt and utter pain dwell in your eyes but will not be shed. Your heard is in your hands, it too bleeds. I am let into the ground. I hear the prayers of the wind. I am carried away by the current, never to return to you. You let go of your heart, it falls upon the graying earth and shatters to a thousand bits like a piece of fine porcelain. And you wither away into the autumn mist. You are carried away by the winds. I am carried away by the tides. Never to meet again. Never to touch again. Never to love again.