Time and Tears

Life is absurd. Happiness is arbitrary. Pain is inevitable. Oh, the melodrama! Dear heart, bleed for me.

Sunday, June 26, 2005


I’ve been feeling a certain absurdity lately. It’s nothing new but yet the feeling never fails to take me by surprise and pierce through my heart and mind such that for an instant I become as though paralyzed. There is no warning, it comes and goes. And with it brings a cold shiver of realization followed by an utter lack of understanding.

At these moments I see death before my eyes and I am overcome with a senseless fear. The fear only lasts for a brief moment as I struggle to return to consciousness and push the unwelcome thoughts back into the dark corners of my mind. But it is only followed by a rush of questions that when asked only serve to bring back the terror.

What does it mean to fear death?

I have thought about this question more than perhaps I should at my age. I have thought about it since I can remember but only recently have I been able to fully imagine its consequences and thus only recently have I started to experience these surges of emotions (by recently I mean that last couple of years). To me death has always symbolized the unknown. It is the end of our consciousness; the end of our being. And what does it mean to not exist any longer? I do not know and I do not think I want to know.

So is it possible to ever come in terms with this ultimate unknown? With this unimaginable infinite lack of existence? I used to think there was. I used to think that the only way I could live on forever was in the memory of my fellow human beings. I believed that the only way I could be remembered forever was to do something great. I wanted to save the world not because I thought it needed saving but because I thought it would be a great reason to live… a noble reason.

Then I grew up and I began to realize my limitations. I came face to face with failure and began to think that perhaps I was never meant for greatness despite what I had always wanted to believe. But deep down inside I never truly believed it and still don’t because for me to accept such a thing would mean that I would have to stop living. But along the way I lost sight of my goals. I became self centered and spent years in self deprecation as a result.

Every now and then I wake up from this surrealist nightmare and look at myself in the mirror and wonder if it’s still possible to be all that I wanted to be. There was a time when I would die for an idea and a just cause, now I wonder if I’ll ever have the chance.

These days I see a world that is bowing on its knees. It’s been beaten and grief stricken. It’s a world that needs saving from itself. Every day I hear the tallies of a new massacre. Every day I hear of inexcusable crimes against humanity and every day I see more and more that our society is only moving farther and farther away from a common good. I feel powerless. And yet I feel responsible. I do not know why I should feel so but I am disgusted at the ignorance and apathy of human beings and appalled by their greed, envy and disseat. Now more than ever I feel helpless because it seems that I have awaken from my egotistic trance but am instead faced with a solid wall of bureaucracy.


  • At 6/27/2005 6:02 PM, Blogger dannyboytward said…

    The key to not letting yourself be overwhelmed is duality. The Universe could very well be a flat plane. When we turn around, the plane changes. Geometric identities are different but exist (for example parallel lines meet in the centre of the flat universe). Physical laws are also different but can be defined (for example, distance can be replaced by some function of size contrast and blurriness). There is absolutely nothing you could tell me to prove I live in three dimentions.
    I'm convinced this is true for everything. There are an infinite equally valid ways to describe anything. This also means there are completely opposite ways of describing anything. But there's no opposite of nothing. I think of it like y=1/x. If you say there's nothing, I could say there's infinity, and that never makes any sense. Absolutes just can't exist.
    Anyway, I'm rambling. Its fun to find interesting ways of justifying why you have no reason to be upset. Absolutes don't overwhelm me because I don't beleive in them. Like wearwolves, and platypi.

  • At 6/27/2005 7:13 PM, Blogger blasé said…

    zero and infinity are necessary in order to make mathematical theories work. they may be viewed as a necessity and therefore unreal but i will argue that if they are necessary then they much exist. it is exactly this lack of comprehension of the existence of these values that is frightening. I’d say even worse in root -1. unimaginable concept and perhaps even more terrifying.


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